Top Ten Reasons You Know You Ate Too Much This Thanksgiving

Thanks to Marybeth for reminding us to keep our fightin' weight over the weekend in preparation for our next match. Here are a few indicators in case you think you might have overindulged:

10.Dozens of North Shore volunteers mobilize to stack sandbags around you.

9. Heather suggests two new custom made tennis tog ordering houses.

8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the asphalt on Court One.

7. Right this minute you're reordering a cammo shirt in 3XL.

6. The Woburn women are afraid of YOU.

5. World's fattest woman sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!"

4. Coach Vern tells you to lose weight or else.

3. Getting into your tennis skirt requires help from the fire department.

2. You’re sweatin' gravy at Monday’s practice.

1. Eight days later you still feel like you ate too much before the match.

(adapted from Dave Letterman...)

Cedardale vs. Woburn

November 21, 2008. Since most of us are quite familiar with high-brow art house films, I think it might serve us well to reflect on what happened to Bernice, the uber aggressive Girl Scout in the made-for-Sundance indie Dodgeball. Yes, Bernice was eliminated from competition after traces of a low-grade beaver tranquilizer were found in her system. Now, I do not know what the rules are regarding juicing in the North Shore Women's Tennis League, and I'm uncomfortable pointing my finger just yet. But to quote Coach Vern, "I'm just sayin'!!!" May well be worth some investigation, particularly since Julie and Susan both attest to hearing similar historical accounts (centering on Woburn's ability to hold a racket in one hand and a cigarette in the other) from their tennis playing mothers. Could be related. Other worthy mentionables:

• A la Betsey: "Did that woman actually give us all the finger after the match? I think she held her finger up much longer than required for her story!"
• Lisa demonstrated an ability to "Just Listen!!!" to a story while searching out a chairback for a self-imposed Heimlich maneuver.
• Dorian: "So, Bob and Wendy go to Jamaica..."
• Jeannie wore her cammo attire AND WON, in addition to learning some new politically correct language. Who knew?
• Harvard graduate and American professional tennis player, Thomas Blake, was coaching an amazing youth player while we were there. Thomas has more hair than his 8th World-ranked brother, James. Way more.
• Scissor kicks are easy. Scissor kicks while following through on your forehand are not. Ask Dorian for a demonstration.

Finally, remember. No wraps. Not even for Thanksgiving leftovers...

We're Goin' DeLuca

Jeannie "I need waaaataaaahhh" DeLuca has made a profound statement on the practice court this week. It's more than a statement, and way more than a bad-ass fashion trend. It's a a mindset, a strategy, a movement - yeah, it's a revolution. Let her backwards-cammo-hat-wearing self soak clean through you. Picture you and your partner opening up a giant can of tennis whup@$$ during your next match knowing that your opponents won't even see you coming...

Cedardale vs. Newburyport

November 7, 2008. We are currently positioned to break our three week, three point roll, as seen by our wildly close match play. Just ask Courtney. Julie and Arlene get the team "You Wear the PantSkirt" award this week for landing their first well-deserved partner win. Lisa and Betsey ripped another team win, which we all know impacts Betsey's (ahem) "domestic life." Way to go, Ladies! The team losses this week were aggravatingly close: Dorian and moi - one game; Marybeth and Patty -two games; Susan and Ann - one game; Jeannie and Kristine - a few; Liz and Cap'n - two. BUT, this is merely a demonstration of our growth and potential. We know this. Lastly, I must report that I was struck in the arse by a tennis ball during play; however, since my pahtnah, the Divine Ms. D, did not yell, "Take a knee!" or "Oh, that's gonna leave a mark!" I don't think it qualifies as team ink. Now, on to a more pressing announcement...How gourmet amazing was the lunch we served??? Kristine, Jeannie, Ann, and Susan outdid themselves on the main course, and Lisa brought Almond Toffee Bars* (a Liz Torrisi recipe) that were simultaneously savored and devoured not only by the A1 Lower Cedardale and Newburyport players, but the A1 Upper Cedardale ladies, as well. Our talents truly abound....

* Almond Toffee Bars

Enjoy ~ then locate your nearest 24 hour CVS pharmacy for blood pressure monitoring and portable defibrillator needs.

Mix together in a saucepan:
1 stick of butter
1 stick of margarine
1/2 cup sugar
Bring to a boil and simmer for two minutes. Line cookie sheet with whole graham crackers. Sprinkle 1 10 oz. pkg of sliced almonds over crackers. Slowly pour butter mixture over crackers and almonds. Bake @350 for ten minutes until bubbly. Cool, then chill. Break into pieces.

Cedardale vs. Winchester

A Halloween bash in my street
is a night that will never repeat

the spirits that come

are tequila and rum

and I end up drunk on my feet!

October 31, 2008. Cedardale had many reasons (not that we need any!) to indulge in apres tennis libations; first, for our three match points won. Betsey and Lisa rocked a major win in Position 5 with fluid partner play and few unforced errors. Lisa and Leslie in Position 6 also gave us cause to celebrate. And, kudos to our court-smashing subs for delivering Cedardale Green a third point. We tip our glasses, too, in honor of tennis ink reciprocity. Shawn: Giver and Susan: Receiver. We raise a cold one to Danielle and Marybeth who were strongly in the lead until Danielle tore her gastrocnemius or soleus muscle away from her Achilles tendon (well, she pulled a calf muscle and it really, really hurt!) and went down in tennis point flames. Grey Goose and Lavender cheers go to Dorian and Kathy Hocking for keepin' their cool in the presence of court hostility. Though I cannot tell you much about Vegas owing to the National Tourism Honor Code, know that I was doing my part from the sidelines to celebrate in your collective honor...

Cedardale vs. Willows

October 17, 2008. We took on one of the toughest teams in the league and came up short. OK, really short. We did, however, give them a good run on many of the courts. Dorian and I played one of the closest team matches, losing by only one game in the tie break. Dorian delivered three beautiful overheads in a row (shoulder turned, left hand toward the sky...just perfect). But, I'll let Dorian's own words speak the rest:

Actually, my partner (pahtnah) Kathy decided she was playing too well in the first set so she tattooed herself in the second. She hit herself in the eye bone (that's medical terminology), bled and bruised IMMEDIATELY, and then took the deuce point!. She is no delicate flower, that one. Shawn, you still have that eye patch??? Pass it on to blondie.

I think we were paid a compliment because one opponent said to us, "that was a really good game....our matches usually only last about 40 minutes." Can anyone say Humility 101? During post-match debriefing we heard them ask their coach what they could do so that that wouldn't happen again. (I'll refrain from any McCain debate references here in the spirit of straight up, non-partisan tennis blogging). Lisa and Leslie, taking on the hairdressers, served one tight match (playing an hour and fifteen minute first set - winning it 7-6!!!) and gave everyone some really great tennis to watch. Even better, they made their "we really don't want to sweat....we have to go to work after the match" opponents SWEAT. As usual, there were antics-a-plenty on Court One. In addition to making her opponent duck in order to avoid a tattoo induced hematoma, Shawn decided that she could control the ball via command. Yes, she screamed at the ball to "SIT!!!" but like most dogs, and children for that matter, the ball chose its own path. Shawn maintains that it was a golf reference. All in all, Arlene and Julie are right - good fun and sportsmanship were had, KATE GRONDIN showed up to cheer us on before heading into work, no wraps were served, and the eye that I popped open in the second set off my own bloody racket while running down a lob in the back court is still purple but a whole lot less swollen this morning. Life IS good.

Evenfall Restaurant & Bar

Off the court at Evenfall. At the bar and looking rather fetching, I'd say ~ Lisa, Kristine, Kathy, Leslie, Betsey, Marybeth, Dorian, and the Cap'n Shawn (first outing post flu - no SOLID food consumed).

Coach Vernon and the A1Lower Ladies of Cedardale. Cap'n Shawn, Betsey, Marybeth, Lisa, Arlene, Kathy, Dorian, Ann, Leslie, Kristine, and Julie.

Ann, of the love-ly accent, and Dorian, of any and all accents. It's called DISCLOSHAHHH...


We love to celebrate each other! Kristine, making a wish...

Cedardale vs. Andover

October 10, 2008: three team points earned, zero wraps served. Your blogger apologizes for heading to NYC for two (I suspect related) reasons: One, clearly my pacifist karma travels with me, and Two, Jeannie (thanks for subbing for me???) crushed a first serve into the back of my partner's head in my absence! Admittedly, there is not one among us who hasn't enjoyed watching Jeannie's driven net play, especially when an opponent unwittingly floats a short ball anywhere near her. As Cap'n Shawn will tell you, "Jeannie makes them eat it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner!" Their match win, coupled with a boatload of organic Lavender, Inspiration, and Thieves spritzah (essential oils from Provence, duh!), helped salve Dorian's injury. Danielle, fresh off oral surgery, took a ball to the eye in the first 15 minutes of play. Triage informs me that her contact lens stayed in place, which leaves me wondering, at this point, about the condition of her cornea; hopefully, she has a few leftover painkillers. Arlene drove a not-so-happy ball into Julie's umm, well, "backside," though after the thrashing the partners apparently came to a consensus on the etymologies of the words "bounce" as opposed to, say, "out." Yet, all was not awash in team injury. Liz earned herself some tennis ink, and Susan and Ann held their own having moved to a higher position. AND, Dorian ripped her first match ace of the season. Coach Vernon, who clearly heeded the message that WE call the shots about how to dress, showed up in team colors proving, again, that he is one smart man. Ultimately, though, it was Cap'n Shawn wearing a red bra and an eye patch; it was our cuisine du jour, our ability to stand firmly together against the wrap, that made us downright tennis mavericky...

Everyone please...

...just say no.

Cedardale vs. Cedardale

October 3, 2008. Another match tie. More wraps served. But, Vern's right - we really are the best team in the club. Here's why: in the name of solidarity, Danielle hobbled in with a taped-up ankle and swollen hip fresh off her stairwell ride, later players arrived early, early players stayed late, and foregone was Dorian's beauty rest in order to sub on her bye. I, too, gave my day off to cheer and there was plenty to cheer about. Cap'n Shawn and Liz dominated on Court One, which gave them time to focus on down-the-shirt ball antics, and Jill's flashing from the viewing area. Jeannie (aka Jennie B) and Kristine Flash Gordon had good reason to fist pump (not the terrorist kind the New Yorker profiled, but the non-threatening Tiger Woods version); first, for Jeannie's usual testosterone-driven net play, then for Kristine's ability to chase down anything. Susan and Ann get the Project Runway nod for ripping out the attached sports bras from their $55.00 Nike tanks in order to look like fashionistas AND be comfortable; yeah, they played awesome, too. Julie demonstrated excellent partner communication with Arlene by reminding her about "happy balls," and Leslie and Lisa both ratcheted up their tattoo totals; in fact, I think we set a match record for tennis ink this week. I counted minimally five...