In the Good Old Summertime

You should print the diagram posted left as the tips are useful for a variety of applications and contexts.  For example, if you accept one of Captain's pool party requests and stay for, I don't know, more than 30 minutes, then it might be helpful.  What if you happen to inadvertently snort too much Spark watermelon drink mix out of the packet, and you can't call poison control because it's a banned substance? Couldn't hurt. It will also help with the bladder infection you are certain to get after Team Latitude denies your mid-set bathroom request during the worst indoor tennis air conditions ever.

Let's just say this: If the outdoor temps run over 90 degrees for three days straight and are accompanied by don't-even-think-about-styling-your-hair humidity, know that the indoor courts at Cedardale will play host to the most vicious air quality conditions you'll experience sans a volcanic eruption.  And so it goes.  Keeping the bagels out of Brooklyn were Leslie and Marybeth who, playing doubles outside, brought us our sole point for the week.  Other than that, chaos reigned large. Clearly suffering from heat stroke, Susan and Julie agreed with the Latitude women on a new tiebreak: no time limits, you must win by four, the ball must pass the net minimally ten times before you can win the point, and you have to shout "Albuquerque!!" before flipping the point card. Yeah, they lost. Shawn lost on the singles court, but was pleased with herself because (ahem) she "made her opponent sweat." Playing singles next door, I lost 7-5, 6-4 to a woman who was ten years my senior, did not need water between games, and held a ball in her non-racket hand the entire match. I managed to run her sorry a$$ more than a couple of times, which helped to salve my wounded pride.  Shockingly, Jeannie was at the epicenter of some post 4th of July fireworks on the doubles court, and even MORE shocking than that was Kristine's pleading with Jeannie not to "clear the air" with her opponents post match.  If ever, truly ever, we needed Dorian there with the lavender spritzahhhhs, this was the week.

***A special thank you to the person who brought me a glass of wine afterward. You're the best! Unfortunately, I couldn't make out who you were owing to my severely constricted pupils.    

Put Your Hands Up!!!

Congrats to the USTA Cedardale women who defeated Newburyport this week, the number one ranked team in the league!!!  Taking both singles courts and one doubles, we brought in a much needed team win.  And, oh, are there are plenty of detes to share.  You just know there's going to be a smackdown that rivals caged wrestling and mixed martial arts when the opposing captain interrupts OUR captain's pre-drink spectating with irrelevant paperwork issues.  And who shares their individual and team record with their opponent in the bathroom??? Like WE don't have access to the interweb or the twitters?!? Going mano y mano, these captains squared off on the singles court, and Shawn took the first set at 6-4.  In the second set and an hour and a half later, Shawn led by two and called time.  The other captain called cheating and undermining. Concerned with a misunderstanding, Cap'n consulted the USTA regs before walking in the direction of the bar with her racket and the W.  I pulled in the second team point winning on the singles court in straight sets, 6-1, 6-4.  Leslie and Kristine delivered the doubles win after a dismal first set, and while Cap'n and Coach Sharon seem to think that their spectating amped up the ladies' energy, we all know what motivated them to dominate the next five games. Since this blog has a PG-13 rating, I'll not say another word.  

On another note, Jules has recently been inducted into the juicing camp alongside Cap'n, Betsey, and 4.5. While I don't want to be a killjoy, especially after Betsey claimed that she could "smell the beach" after ingesting liquid crack, I am compelled to inform y'all that synthetic taurine has been banned by the governments of Denmark, France, Norway, and the NCAA.  While France lifted their ban in recent years (can they EVER take a stand??), scientific reports exist of chickens plucking themselves to death while under the influence.  Let me say this:  If I see ONE mark on any of your arms or legs, there WILL BE an intervention. Hope you like Winehouse's tunes - she may well be your future roommate.               

For Kristine and Leslie

Ok, ladies.  There's viewing and then there's VIEWING!  Given the recent comments in the "observation" hallway, I'm here to help.  Even though Fed and Roddick have been ousted, there's still plenty of great tennis watching to be had. Luckily for us, the women at the Huffington Post have made it easy.  Click on the link below and choose from the fittest and hottest men of the Grand Slam....

Who's in Your Top Five???